Thoughtnami Classics | Hypothetically Speaking

Originally Posted 07/01/09 by Jeff Harris

Hypothetically speaking, you own a channel. A channel whose primary focus was to air one particular medium at all hours of the day.

Let's call this medium "balloons." The medium also makes up your channel's first name.

Now these "balloons" are initially built up of stuff you already have in your possession, and then you begin to make your own stuff. It's mostly "balloons," but you do experiment with another kind of programming called "needles," often mixing them up with the "balloons," but "needles" weren't dominant on the channel.

Again, hypothetically speaking, fans of "balloons" and creators of "balloons" grew to love the "balloon channel." They started showing "balloons" from all over the world. Some viewers liked the "balloons" that came from Japan.

Now, 13 years had passed, and management noticed that while older viewers were still watching "balloons," kids were looking at "needles" on other channels, so, the management wanted to add more "needles" to their lineup full of "balloons." Now, anybody with half a brain would tell you "balloons" and "needles" don't mix, and even though everybody and their mother told them that, the management kept on putting in more "needles."

"Balloons" came and quickly went over time, and a lot of them got, let's hypothetically call it "popped." But those that remained had a pretty decent audience, though it wasn't large enough for the management. So, every so often, they aired as many "needles" as they could squeeze in., even creating their own "needles." Viewers grew irritated because they felt the "needles" caused many of their favorite shows to be "popped," a fact that's not all that false.

But, just as the "Balloon Channel" launched their first original "needle" creation, a metalworkers' strike occurred, virtually shutting down an entire industry. Of course, the metalworkers' strike didn't affect production of "balloons" (though the leader of the metalworkers worked on a few high-profile "balloon" projects on another channel). Needless to say, "Balloon Channel" refocused more on "balloons" than "needles," including a really, really big "balloon" based on a popular movie franchise and a smaller "balloon" that became the channel's biggest show of the year.

So, hypothetically speaking, after the successful year full of "balloons," what do they do? Add and aggressively promote the hell out of "needles." "Needles" that wouldn't be affected for the most part from any future strikes (instead of metal, they're made of a synthetic material). Yeah, they said more "balloons" would be headed to the network, but the "needles" would get heavy airplay. Even some of the small, yet popular "balloons" feel their creations will eventually get "popped." "Balloon" fans are furious over the decision to add more "needles" and less "balloons."

Hypothetically speaking, the showcases for the four major "needles" premiere with heavy fanfare, much to the dismay of "balloon" lovers and fans. Of course, nobody watched these "needles" (because if they did, "Balloon Channel" would be shouting to the heavens about its success) and the block is largely seen as a failure by its critics. They even hire one of the performers of their "needles"to comprise a song shouting that "Balloon Channel" is "More Than Just Balloons," as if "balloons" were beneath them or something. Now, hypothetically speaking, there is heavy rumors that "Balloon Channel" will change its name because they feel viewers aren't enjoying "needles" because they're on a network called "Balloon Channel." Plus, it'll give them justification to lessen their dependence on "balloons" and add more "needles."

It would be seen a desperate, moronic, suicidal, and idiotic move that not only the "balloon" community (the fans as well as the creator of "balloons") would be loudly protesting but also one entire entertainment industry would be laughing at. To get rid of a nearly 20-year old brand, a valuable world-renowned brand like "Balloon Channel" and remold itself into a network that also shows "needles" without the stigma of being connected to just "balloons" is stupid and self-destructive, and, hypothetically speaking, everyone who even suggested the change should be fired. Everyone. And the fans of "Balloon Channel" will find themselves angry and a little sad that their channel is gone, even though the name will likely be placed on their earlier spinoff channel, "Yo-Yo."

I'll end on that note and let you "enjoy" this video from Cartoon Network. They originally removed it for some reason but the artist behind it kindly put it on his own YouTube page.

Cartoon Network. Wonder what they're up to these days. Besides, you know, removing videos.