Thoughtnami Classics | Is The Nightmare Over? Answer: No, Just Stalled

Originally Posted 08/11/09 by Jeff Harris

Previously on Thoughtnami, I talked about how moronic Cartoon Network has become in recent months, especially when it comes to the even more moronic CNReal experiment which has been proven to be a critical failure and the reason the network's ratings have tumbled 29% in primetime, where they're no longer in the top 10, let alone the top 20 in cable networks. This was a few weeks ago. Since that jaw-shattering announcement, Cartoon Network did some soul searching and actually brought some old favorites back to the lineup in marathon form. Ratings bumped up a lot, and they're still doing that.

But you have to wonder what brought that moment of clarity at Cartoon Network. I'm sure something along these lines was said within Techwood in some variation or another:

"Viewers don't like the fact that we crammed ripoffs of Ghost Hunters, Survivorman, Junkyard Wars, and Cash Cab down their collective throats at every open slot we had."

"Those repeats of Slamball didn't help matters much either. I mean for God's sake, we didn't even bother muting whenever the anchors said 'You're watching Slamball on Versus.'"

"Oh come on, they're good. I mean who doesn't like Son of the Mask?"

"Everybody doesn't like Son of the Mask, which is why we got it so cheap from Burbank. The question is what DO kids like?"

"Hey, didn't we have a whole lot of shows kids liked back in the day? This one show with ghosts and demons?"

"The Othersiders?"

"No, no, it had fake ghosts and demons."

"The Othersiders?"

"Dammit, it wasn't The Othersiders! It's this show with kids looking for them. We used to air it a lot."

"Are you sure it's not The Othersiders?"

"Yes, I'm sure it's not The Othersiders. They had a dog scared of everything."

"Courage? I remember we used to air a show called Courage the Scaredy Dog."

"Courage the Cowardly Dog. It's not that. We still air that, kind of. It's a bigger dog. Scooby-Doo! That's it!"

"Aren't we making a movie about that character?"

"Yeah, so let's bring it back."

"But . . . it's so . . . old! It's from the 70s or something. Kids thought Secret Saturdays were from the 70s. That's why we moved it to 8:30 on Saturday mornings."

"That's why? That's stupid. Who are these kids that said that?"

"The same ones who said The Othersiders was the bomb."

"Thought we had a policy against using the word 'bomb' when we refer to anything we do here. Heaven knows we don't need another Boston Invasion. But yeah, put Scooby-Doo back on."

"Kids liked another scary kids show too, Billy and Mandy."

"Put that one back on too! How about something with teen characters. Kids like teen characters. TDI, TDA, 6Teen, and Stoked are doing pretty good."

"How about Class of the Titans?"

"You mean Clash of the Titans, right? Burbank's remaking that movie. Maybe we can run the original one day."

"No I think he means Teen Titans. That show with Robin, the alien girl, the robot brother, the green animal boy, and the goth chick. Loved that one!"

"Actually, I was talking about this show from Canada called Class of the Ti---"

"Alright, we'll bring that back too! Now we need a show with kids being kids. Kids love shows about the kids next door."

"How about Kids Next Door? We actually made that one."

"I remember that one. How about Ed, Edd, and Eddy? That's a good one too."

"Bring them both back."

"Didn't we make a final movie starring that sho--"

"And bring back Tom and Jerry too. I don't know why, but kids like that cat and mouse team chasing each other around."

"How about Dexter's Laboratory?"

"What's that?"

"A show about siblings having fun with experiments. One of their parents is a neat freak, the other is rarely there and works a lot."

"I know that show. That's Johnny Test. That's on every day."

"No, that's Dexter's Lab. Red-headed scientist. Blonde troublemaker."

"Yeah, Johnny Test. We could increase airings of that show too!"

"Hey, what about the Powerpuff Girls?"

"The Powderwhat Whonow?"

"Powerpuff Girls. Big hit for us back in the day. Brought in girls and boys."

"Sorry, before my time. But we could test a few of those episodes one day."

"Excellent. So, we have a plan?"

"Yeah, let's do it! Say, these shows seem interesting."

"They're cartoons. We used to air a lot of them back in the good ol' days."

"You know, they ought to make a network that airs nothing but cartoons."

So, I have to ask, is the nightmare over? Has the madness been eradicated at Cartoon Network returning common sense to the channel? Hardly. They're still pushing the ill-fated live-action agenda with a pair of new shows a week from Wednesday, but at least the live-action smeg is largely concentrated to one slot. And if they become big at any moment, then the madness begins again. They're terminators, and if they have an agenda to put live-action on the Cartoon Network lineup even if there's overwhelming opposition to it, they're going to air them on Cartoon Network. Too bad the entertainment industry awards incompetence rather than punishes it.